Being Vulnerable

Excerpt from Chapter 15, Viet Nam Body Count:

[ Life give us opportunities to practice being strong, to practice standing up for ourselves. Often they come when we feel vulnerable. This was one of those opportunities.]

I turned off the shower and rubbed off the excess water from my arms and legs. Pulling the curtain open, I stepped out to get my towel from the sink across the room. Before I finished my first step, Chief Jaffe and two other chiefs came into the shower room and blocked my path.

I felt very uncomfortable standing naked, in front of the three chiefs.

“What drugs are you taking?” Chief Shea asked.

“The only drugs I take are those malaria pills that give the whole ship diarrhea.”

He continued asking questions, often repeating the same questions worded only slightly different from the first.

Feeling the air around my exposed genitals as the water began to evaporate made me want to jump back behind the shower curtain. I didn't want to be naked in front of the three chiefs. As I tried to make my way around them to get my towel, Jaffe jumped in front of me.

“Where do you think you're going?” he asked, clenching his fist. “We aren't through talking to you.”

“I'm getting my towel. Do you mind?”

Chief Shea and Chief Garfield smiled sheepishly as they moved out of the way, while Jaffe's bald head regained its familiar fiery red hue.

“What are you trying to pull?” Jaffe yelled as I reached for my towel.

By now I was mad. No longer afraid of Jaffe, I yelled back, “What are you trying to pull?”  I wrapped my towel around my waist. “Why did you bring two chiefs with you to yell at me while I was taking a shower?”

“You're doing drugs!” he growled.

“You're lying and you know it,” I shot back.

“Only someone who's crazy on drugs would run around the smokestack screaming every fucking night.”

“Killing innocent people is driving me crazy. I have to scream.”

“That's fucking bullshit. You're doing drugs.”

I stuck my neck out and looked Jaffe right in the eyes. “When we had the last locker inspection, did you find any drugs?”

“No. You must be hiding them somewhere else.”

“You didn't find drugs because I don't have any. I'm not stupid. You're the one who is trying to pull something.”

Jaffe's neck muscles pushed out the tendons as his whole face became the color of rage. “You aren't doing your job!”

“I came in here to take a shower so that I could do my job, like I always do,” I said.

Chief Garfield's lips contorted into a forced smile as he put his hand on Jaffe's shoulder telling him that his cause was lost.

If there had been no witnesses, I am sure that Jaffe's anger would have unleashed his fists and I would have had wounds that needed bandaging.